Shredded

Remember this?

Today I was fooled into thinking I was ready for workout 3. Fooled, I tell you! Maybe I ate something wrong or woke up on the end of the bed or something that caused my brain to lapse. I should have questioned my sanity and rolled over and gone back to sleep, I’m pretty sure.

So there I am, everything set up, standing bleary eyed in my workout clothes and I press “Workout 3” with a trembling hand. My heart starts to beat in anticipation. Am I crazy, I think to myself? You can do this, you can do this! You can’t do this. You’re not ready yet! Here is goes….

The upbeat music starts to play and there she comes, Jillian; the trainer who wishes death on you all in the name of a “Shredded body,” and her two sidekicks. She gives a congratulations about making it to level 3 (Oh, crap! What was I thinking?) and a dire warning about how utterly hard this is going to be. I should’ve tucked tail and run then but…I was filled with the false hope that I was ready.

Ready to die.

Jillian launches into the warm-up which was filled with exercises from the other two levels. What? Did I skip something? Aren’t we supposed to be warming-up, I think as I’m huffing through butt-kicks and double jump roping. It’s too early in the morning for this!

And then the workout begins. Each workout (1, 2 and 3) consists of 3 circuits: 3 minutes of strength, 2 min of cardio and 1 min of abs. You do that 3 times in each workout. By the end of circuit one, I was sweating and my limbs were trembling. You want me to do walk around push ups? Alternating lunges while jumping? jumping jacks with handweights? What did you just ask me, Jillian? To remember all the reasons I bought this DVD in the first place? Well, umm….I….my mind is blank. Why in the world did I buy this DVD? Why, oh why? Shredded? Me? It’s all a cruel joke. She gets paid to think up the hardest workouts ever and make you feel like a fool as you lumber around like an elephant in the privacy of your home. And there ,she and her two cronies sit with their 6-packs and lean sleek muscles.

You say I should have a 6-pack by this point in the DVD? Did I miss the memo? I have a…well, I can feel some muscles in there. Does that count? Oh, man, what kind of ab exercises? How come they can do that with their legs and I can’t? Come on, Heidi, give it your all. You know you’ll feel proud if you can make it through the ultimate goal: Workout 3! Plank jacks? Plank leg and arm raises with handweights? Do they sell handweights smaller than 3lbs?

And finally. I can’t believe it! It’s Cooldown time. I collapse with jelly-like legs, trembling arms and a sweat covered body to the exercise mat. I’m almost too weak to stretch my muscles. Almost. A nice cold shower sounds so good right now. So does swimming. I heave a sigh of relief and accomplishment and stumble on shaky legs towards the bathroom. I pass my reflection in the mirror on the way in. Hey, now. What this? Muscles? Sleek muscles? I have calves? What?! I’ve never had calves. Hey, there pretty lady. You’ve got some nice arms. You don’t look so bad under that beet-red face, wild hair and glistening skin, gasping for air.

You look…Shredded. Maybe Jillian isn’t so bad after all…

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3 thoughts on “Shredded

  1. OK, I always love your blog, but this has got to be your best entry yet. I just love it–it is so hilarious. I love your writing and think you SHOULD follow your dream and write a book 🙂

    And I wonder what in the name of sanity is making me want to try this video after this description…maybe i just wish i could do it with you 🙂

    Like

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