Day Two

Day two wasn’t nearly as smooth as day one. I guess I didn’t really expect it or maybe I did but wasn’t willing to go there?

Zakkai did great but I felt really bad that I had to rush my drop-off since the boys start at the same time and S’s class was already lining up outside. Z said goodbye quite happily to me but I still felt bad because it wasn’t like I had planned in my head. And then I grabbed Samuel’s hand and we hurried down the stairs to go outside and join his class only to be met by them coming inside in a nice neat line.

As soon as I tried to usher Samuel into line, he started crying and saying, “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go!” The teacher glanced back but kept marching up the stairs with the rest of the class. Samuel planted his feet and refused to go so I had to grab his hand and force him to come with me up the stairs. He was pleading with me not to go into his classroom and my heart was breaking into a million pieces.

Finally his teacher, after getting the rest of the kids settled at their tables and seeing that me trying to comfort him and lead him into the classroom wasn’t working, told me I could come in with Samuel. I got him seated at his table and hugged him, whispering a prayer in his ear and reminding him that Z was just down the hall and I was going to be close by. And then I reminded him that he had his special family picture with him to look at and remember how much we love him. I kissed him and then I walked away, my heart hurting but knowing I was doing the best thing for my big boy.

And then I went out to my car and burst into tears. Thankfully my grandma was home and she talked to me for awhile, offering sympathy and wisdom and reminding me that I did the exact same thing to my mom and my mom did it to her! I felt much calmer after talking to her but did have several bouts of tears today and feel quite emotionally exhausted.

Thankfully, there was a smile from S when I picked him up today and his teacher had some reassuring things to say. I was happy to hear that she is trying to be sensitive to his sensitivity and taking some extra time with him. I can only pray that it will keep getting better as we settle into a routine.

Because I don’t think my heart can take much more of this.

Getting goodbye hugs from daddy.

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