Fear: (as defined by dictionary.com)
“a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. “
I struggle with fear. I think the most intense battle I have ever had with fear, I fought about a year and a half ago, not long after my back injury. I went to a women’s retreat, which I REALLY didn’t want to go to and ended up really being set free from some things from my past. My friend who prayed for me warned me not to be surprised if I was spiritually attacked in the next few weeks afterwards. I was. I have never, ever experienced fear like that in my life. It’s hard to even put into words what it was like.
But after intense prayer from friends and family and memorizing Bible verses, I was really set free! I really felt peace for the first time in a LONG time. I happen to think that Satan (I really hate typing that word!) really likes to attack us in vulnerable times and sometimes with the same-old, same-old tactics that have always worked before.
Sometimes we are so strong and sometimes we are weak. Maybe I am weak right now because we are coming down off of a couple of months of intense stress. And I’m slightly hormonal and possibly 17 years pregnant….
But I am really struggling with fear right now and I am asking for you to cover me in prayer! What am I afraid of? Right now it’s all about the baby. I have longed with my whole heart for a baby girl for…well, it feels like forever! I prayed for her for a year before we got pregnant and we found out about the baby during a really difficult winter season. I had been praying and asking God what He had for us in this next year (we go by academic years around here!) and asked Him to give us some hope and something to really look forward to, to know that He was with us.
He gave us our baby.
I cannot express to you how very much I want her. I dream about her, try to imagine what she looks like. I think thoughts to her and even talk outloud to her when no one else is around. I have prepared so many things for her. We named her so early on and she is a part of our family already!
And I am so very afraid lately of losing her. Or something happening to me.
So why this fear? Probably because from a very early age I learned something from my earthly father. To be afraid and to expect bad things to happen because I “deserved” it. I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something I want very badly? Sure, here it is…and then take it away! It happened a lot to me as a child. Cruel things that left a deep scar on my heart and affected how I even view my heavenly Father.
Everytime I work through things, God gets a little deeper into my heart; underneath the scars and old wounds that I thought were healed. A lot of fear roots were scraped out during and after that women’s retreat I went to. But there is still some there.
And I’m asking you to pray for the rest of the roots to be pulled out so I can really experience freedom and peace! I want to trust that God is with me no matter what happens. But also to feel peace as I wait to hold this precious baby in my arms in just a few weeks. I want freedom!
Freedom to live and to be thankful for the many, many blessings I have in my life!