Heartache.

 Today was a rough day. It didn’t start out that way but everything changed when I glanced at Samuel while he was playing and noticed that he had what looked like a rash on the front of his neck. I asked him to come closer and discovered, to my dismay, that it was on the front of his neck, top of his chest, one of his upper arms, on his shoulder blade and even a patch on his lower back.

Now this wasn’t just any rash but a rash that I know to be a sign of very serious illnesses/diseases. I called our new pediatrician’s office immediately and made him an appointment for the afternoon. I was a nervous wreck all day.

I tried to distract myself by taking them to a new park (which they loved!), praying my heart out, listening to worship music, etc. Samuel was nervous about going to the dr’s but I played it really low-key and just told him that I had to get his rash checked out and that he might have to get his blood drawn to make sure he was healthy. He told me at one point before we left, “But mommy, I don’t feel anything wrong. I feel strong!”

 I loaded up our crew and drove over to the dr’s office and I could just see the anxiety on Samuel’s face and feel the sickness rolling through my stomach. I kept saying to him, “You’re okay, you’re okay.” The dr checked him over thoroughly and asked lots of questions. Then he told me that I had to get Samuel over to the hospital immediately for bloodwork and that he was putting “Stat” on the order so he would get results a.s.a.p.

If I wasn’t scared before then, that would’ve done it! I was really teary but trying SO hard to be brave for my sweet, brave son. I think he’s getting so big and so independent and mature but I saw him sitting on that table with his shirt off, his big eyes filled with questions and uncertainty and he looked so small and so vulnerable.

My son. My son!

I can’t even describe to you the emotions that were rolling through me. Having a child is the most wonderful, amazing, difficult, painful, scariest, happiest thing that could ever happen to you. Your heart is filled with more love than you ever thought it could hold but it makes you so incredibly vulnerable. It is open wide, raw, pure, protective, instinctive.

My sweet son.

He got his blood test and they told me the results would be back in 25 minutes. I had my phone glued to my hand. Samuel was SO brave, he didn’t even cry! His eyes watered a little bit when they stuck him but the lady was so gentle and sweet with him. As a matter of fact, every single person we dealt with this afternoon was absolutely wonderful. I am very pleased with our new doctor’s office so far, which is a far cry from our previous pedi office, let me tell you!

I got home and the boys went off to play outside while I tried to distract myself with making dinner and feeding Miss Ellie Bellie. When an hour past the result deadline had come and gone, I couldn’t take it anymore and I called. The dr even came on the phone to tell me that they hadn’t called yet for some reason and he would call himself and get right back to me.

Less than 5 minutes later, I got the news that he was OKAY. Okay. No meningitis, no leukemia. Perfectly normal. Most likely just a result of wild play and wrestling with friends outside yesterday. I burst into tears and thanked him over and over (and clarified that he really was okay!!). And then as soon as I got off, Samuel came upstairs and I said, “You’re okay!!!” and I grabbed him and held him so tight, drawing comfort from his scrawny, sweaty-boy-smelling self. And I was crying and he kept saying, “Are you laughing, mommy?” And then, “Are those happy tears?”

After I gained some control of myself, I explained that it was totally an emotional let-down (which I had to explain to my question-asker!) and that I was just so glad that he is healthy, that I don’t want anything to happen to him and that I LOVE him so much!!

I told the boys I may make mistakes and sometimes I’m grumpy with them and don’t always talk kindly but I don’t want them to ever, ever forget that I LOVE them.

I probably scared Samuel to pieces with my emotional outburst but I had been keeping it all inside all day, trying to be strong and calm for him. Not to mention, by myself all day and dragging around the 3 of them. I’m so thankful for the prayers and comfort from my MIL, my sister and her husband and later (after she got my desperate messages!) my mom. I felt really loved and knew that my sweet boy was so loved today.

Thank you, Jesus!!!

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5 thoughts on “Heartache.

  1. No, Aunt Terri, it was a petechiae rash which can signal a bleeding problem caused by something like leukemia or meningitis. If you look it up, almost every single webpage will tell you to call your dr immediately or go to the er!!

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  2. Oh my goodness I did't get a call but I'm so glad you had a victory with answered prayer. It is scary when your children are hurt. I'm not real good with those kind of things either. The time Terri ran into a barbed wire fence and cut her eye lid. Thank the Lord Grandpa was home and he picked her up and raced to Drs. Everything turned out okay (she still Has a scar) Prasie the Lord for every thing okay with S. Love Gram

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